


And Now, a Message from Our Surgeon Commander

by Darkrealmist



Category: Magic: The Gathering (Card Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Animal Transformation, Body Modification, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Card Games, Comedy, Dinosaurs, Explosions, Fantasy, Gen, Genetics, Humor, Hybrids, Letters, Mad Science, Magic, Meta, Parody, Politics, Science Fiction, Silly, South Park References, Virus, Wordcount: 100-1.000, Wordcount: 100-500, Wordcount: Under 10.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:15:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22454812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkrealmist/pseuds/Darkrealmist
Summary: Dr. Julius Jumblemorph is handed a postmortem letter from the desk of the Surgeon Commander.
Kudos: 3





	And Now, a Message from Our Surgeon Commander

And Now, a Message from Our Surgeon Commander

Author’s Note: Enjoy the story and R&R.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to or of _Magic: The Gathering_.

Card Reference: <http://gatherer.wizards.com/Pages/Card/Details.aspx?multiverseid=479461>

Summary:

Dr. Julius Jumblemorph is handed a postmortem letter from the desk of the Surgeon Commander.

* * *

Dear Dr. Julius Jumblemorph,

Please find enclosed the last known correspondence of Phineas P. Wortybottom, herein signed under the official letterhead of the Surgeon ~~General~~ Commander’s Office of Crossbreed Labs, Augmented, Enchanted, and Mutated Species Division.

_Greetings, Julius. It is I, your faithful student and oldest friend. How are you? More alive than myself, I hope._

_I believe our perfect geniocracy faces an imminent and unprecedented threat. The Goblin Explosioneers are blasting up and down the conference rooms of the campus, blaming me for releasing a retrovirus into their burrows at Port Gizmo. As if symptomatic strains are my forte…Everyone knows my work aspires toward greater ends! Creative templating! The League of Dastardly Doom is setting me up! Setting me up, I tell you!_

_Considering the real possibility my position may soon be in need of filling, I ask that you relate the gist of my thesis to the ingenues. (For once, these reptilian hands, while indispensable for their grip, struggle with basic writing instruments.)_

_Ask yourself: “Today, do I feel like a hippo? A frog, ape, or tiger?”_

_And to you, I stress emphatically, you_ are _that hippo, frog, ape, and tiger!_

 _Perhaps you feel like a lemure – pardon me –_ lemur _?_

_But why be one when you could be them all?_

_So if I feel, say, like a wombat, bat, and chameleon, who’s to dispute the trueness of who I am? I should be allowed to fulfill my biological imperative. In fact, I’d be ethically obligated to carry out my destiny…because that is what Green cares about._

_Look at the happy chap over there. Part-human, part-bear, part-boar!_

_Darn, the explosions are getting louder. Darn this Un-iverse. Maybe it’s time to move our organization from Bablovia to this Innistrad I keep hearing about from Headmaster Urza. The mobs are nicer there, he claims._

_Thanks, and best wishes,_

_Phineas P. Wortybottom_  
_Surgeon ~~General~~ Commander_  
_Division of Augmented, Enchanted, and Mutated Species_


End file.
